happy 'spanking' new year 2007

happy 'spanking' new year 2007 to every one

and...

my 2007 resolutions is:

i don't have any resolutions this year as i've not once achieved any of it in the past years!

wanna scream this..

i wanna scream this to almost everyone! sigh...

internet - the returns

after much agonizing days with slow internet due to the earthquake in taiwan, the connections seems back to its normal rate. i successfully upload my picture that i took during christmas to my blog earlier on at the average upload rate. page downloading rate also seems back. managed to get in to google mail and the rest of US/Europe site as well. so, peeps, let us start blog again.. keep it in, fill it in!

am listening to: last night - p diddy feat keyshia cole

the christmas trilogy : the blackout, the loft and house warming

atcenian

23 dec 2006 (saturday) - the blackout
i woke up and it was a nice sunny day. eve of christmas eve and am ready to kick off my christmas weekend with style. went to eat pan mee at ttdi for brunch then heading to one u to get some gifts. i was supposed to meet sam, but i decided to give it a go as am tired with hunting gifts session around one utama (i think i walk at about 6 km around one utama to get scout some pressie) plus am meeting james at ikea at 430 pm.
heading home and nap for a while before getting ready. once i got into
ikano, i noticed the environment somehow dull a little although there
is shopper walked around with trolley. then i realized ikano + ikea
facing a power failure. some shops decided to close as how to run
business when there is no electricity. bad time as it was eve of
christmas eve. anyhow, i move on to ikea to get stuff that i need to
get. it was stuffy inside ikea, with crowd and stuff, it was really
haunting to shop at ikea with sweat! upon reaching check out counter, i
noticed the all counter open but the line was amazingly
long. then i found that, credit card terminal also down and ikea
counter staff have to swipe the card manually. bad time to visit ikea
as well.
went to ernie chen house warming + christmas party at sunway damansara. it is good to bonding with all
the atcenians. had a good time, good jolly, good laugh, good food and
good satay. half way through we chatting and chatting, all of sudden
the fius box overloaded with electricity and bursting with fire. but
nothing serious. we continued the party at the road side with music
provided by ken.

kl highway

24 dec 2006 (sunday) - the loft
woke up at early morning and having satay that i tapau from ernie chen house. so i ate like, more than 20
sticks!! then adrian and i decided to go around to look at some
furniture but nothing interesting. we wanted to go to one u, the
traffic was bad, so we drove straight to go to tesco, traffic also same
and we decided there and then to go to Carrefour, Kepong. It wasn't a
good trip inside Carrefour as it was a little crowded. gotten a
housewarming gift for lenny. as both of us hungry, we decided to eat at
food court located next to Carrefour, Kepong. we had hokkien mee at RM8
price (portion for 3 person). talking to ivan to arranged what is the
plan for the night.
got home and have a nap and then ivan called informing me what is the plan for the night. mike's hse for christmas party and then the loft @ zouk after that. set! jas also joining. it was good party. loads of balls, yummy curry, nice bee hoon, tasty sandwiches, lickilicious sausages and sweet mango jelly. oh i also forgot about the vodka lychee.. yummy! had good laugh and chat while bbq-ing the food. make a move 15 mins before midnight and we end up count down inside myvi
for christmas.. wishing each other Merry Christmas. reaching the loft,
it was not empty and blink was hailing the deck. we sat and played with
jti party pack. hehehe.. then we took some photo and ohmygaystars, i
did took picture with afro wig.. hahha.. it was priceless moment. will
upload it soon. got home around 3 am.

ad + lenny + me

the big box under the tree is my gift to lenny

25 dec 2006 (monday) - house warming
woke up at early noon and decided to have christmas brunch at one utama. adrian needed to get new tee. we went to vietnam kitchen for brunch and we have to wait for 15 mins to be seated. the restaurant was full. i had beef brisket with tomato sauce and adrian had the beed noodle soup. after brunch, we went straight to lenny house to chill out as he held a housewarming party today. watch some funny chinese movie before heading to Tesco to get some stuff for the party. then had dinner then sex and the city time. his guest trickling come and soon the food is on the table. finger licking good KFC chicken, pizza, fruits, sandwiches (again), satay (again) and cocktails sausages (again, sausage family). chat, drink, watch sex and the city and then lenny and the gang play poker while am catching up with danny. went back early..

there you go..my christmas trilogy!

am listening to: lovestoned - justin timberlake

feliz 'kinkiest' navidad

may santa baby bring more 'whipping' goodies this year as we all have been bad..

feliz 'kinkiest' navidad to all of you!
*whip* *whip* *whip* *whip*

sex will be on the big screen

samantha say 'yes, honey' to news that movie is on.

actress kim cattrall has confirmed the film version of sex and the city is still going ahead. cattrall, who played sensualist samantha jones on the racy hbo series, told star magazine that the film version will occur despite rumors to the contrary.

"i've just come home, and there was just this flood of excitement," the actress said. "i'm just so glad we haven't been missed or forgotten!"

sex and the city ran for six seasons on hbo, and along with the sopranos helped establish the cable channel as a major player in original content programming. the film version reportedly languished because of backstage bickering between cattrall and the other actresses, sarah jessica parker, kristin davis, and cynthia nixon.

source: tv.com

i'm learning...

image courtesy: post secret

L-O-V-E

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
F-O-R-G-I-V-E

blog number: one zero zero

graphic courtesy of post secret

i can't believe that I've reached my 100th blog entry already and am so exciting about it. am going to share with all of you on my journey in blogging.

i started blogging on 30th june 2004. it started when a friend of mine pursued me to write about what happened in my life as he thought that i have the talent to do it due to my interest in reading and my knowledge in sharing a lot of stuff i.e music and movies. i give a thought about it and i've created pink@diary blog and everything kicks in from there. telling the whole world about my life is something that i don't really wanna do but i continued with it. i've gotten hooked with blogging and do it as often as whenever i can. then i gotten tired of blogging and it stopped for three months.

my blog came back again in september, largely due to ivan (who is in aus to study) often visited my blog to getting an update about what happened to me in KL. then lazy devil got me again and i stopped blogging and back again a few months after. in feb 2005, i've created 2 new blogs, pink@music and pink@movies. so, i have total of 3 blogs then and updating each and one another is fun although it such a hassle. it has become my 2nd home. monthly/weekly updated with info on music and movies and also my life. same time as well, i've created pinkFM station, the best streaming music selection selected only by me. way too much stuff to digest eh?

in aug 20, 2006, approximately past 1.40 am, I make
the stupidest mistake in my entire life and regretted by not do double
checking before press the button. I've accidentally deleted the blog from my
dashboard and I can't edit/post blog from it anymore. then born the 2nd generation of pink@diary blog. same layout, same content. but i still retained the old blog entry. and the same time also, i've created 4th blog, pink@telly. where i posted about idiot box crap.

leonard, my loyal bitch, told me how great multiply is in terms of blogging. i still skeptical about it but o nov 2, 2006, i was chatting with vincent and again i was told about multiply. how can i share/post my music, my pic, my video all in one. am still contemplating but i signed up anyway. then i discovered that multiply works in the most easiest, simplest and excellent blog posting i've ever find in the net. with great feature, i jump start pinkville right away. it more focus on music am listening to and crap stuff that am sharing with every friend that visited this blog. and it begun from there.

am still maintaining pink@diary blog as from multiply i can cross post to my old blog. reason, some of my friend still do visit my old blog.

been such a good journey in blogging and am looking to post 100 more and 100 more and 100 more blogs in the future.

am listening to: no more tears (enough is enough) - barbra streisand duet with donna summer.

are you hot?

You Are More Mild Than Wild

You're confident, and you really aren't concerned with how "hot" you are.Other people's ideas of what's sexy don't concern you. And this is exactly what makes you attractive.

Are You Hot?

hmmmmm.. mild than wild! that's me!

64th golden globe awards nominations

come january 15 2007, tinseltown going to be sparkle with stars as hollywood will celebrate another round of awards presentation honoring tv and motion picture. this year, nominees list came no surprise but one thing that i want to highlight that the fact beyonce was nominated for best performance by an actress in motion picture - comedy or musical, it should have been jennifer hudson nominated for that category. however, jennifer hudson nominated for best performance by an actress in supporting role - comedy or musical.

why did i highlight this? because, in the movie jennifer hudson who play effie play most significant role than beyonce in the movie. well, that what i call publicity, to generate more interest in the movie with huge beyonce name on it.

other than motion picture, tv categories generate my interest, especially in best television series - drama. in this category all the hits tv series up against one another. 'grey's anatomy' nominated again this time but previous winner 'lost' was not in the list due to the series on break and returning in january. heroes, a new phenomenon series on nbc, nominated as well in this category and i'm pretty confident that heroes will garner an interest but most unlikely to win the awards as it was a rare tradition to awarded a new series in golden globe.

for complete list on the nominations of 64th golden globe awards, please click here.

who's poppin' up at the newstand?

ohmygaystars! look who grace the cover of shape magazine?

non other than first runner up of american idol season 5, katharine mcphee. kat who was an anorexic once, looking perfectly healthy in this cover and she look stunning than ever. dang! maybe nicole richie should bff with kat so that she can turn herself into something more meaty!

this is kat's album cover for he upcoming self title debut album. she does look good but the dress somehow.. hmmmm!

i have mcphever when i look at kat because _______.

you can listen to one of her song title 'dangerous' here.

it is saturday and i..

slept at 2 am on friday night and woke up at 10 am on sat. it was annoying morning as my neighbour renovating their house at ungodly hours on saturday morning. i was hoping to catching some more sleep and resting more but instead it was 'kill' by the sound of drilling, knocking and drilling again. that is my opposite neighbour.

my next door neighbour also one kind. their washing machine running until 3 - 4 am every night without fail. and when they talked, they were like shouting to each other and it is very annoying especially when am used to quiet night at this house.

but anyhow, i'll be moving to new place soon and am going to have my own space...

am listening to: one night only (Eric Kupper & Rich Jones Club Mix Edit) - Beyonce

what's your thinking style?

Your Dominant Thinking Style: Modifying

Super logical and rational, you consider every fact available to you.You don't make rash decisions and are rarely moved by emotion.You prefer what's known and proven - to the new and untested.You tend to ground those around you and add stability.

What's Your Thinking Style?

anyone agree with this crap?

my hidden talent is..

Your Hidden Talent

You are both very knowledgeable and creative.You tend to be full of new ideas and potential - big potential.Ideas like yours could change the world, if you build them.As long as you don't stop working on your dreams, you'll get there.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

hmmmm... i never stop working on my dreams and that for sure!

your chances of being a multimillionaire is...

Your Chances of Being a Multimillionaire: 68%

You have a good chance of being a multimillionaire. Better than most people.You simply have a natural knack for money and the personality for success.

Will You Be a Multimillionaire?

hmmmm.. lemme check with financial accountant first!!

kisah jalan pjs 8/15

gonna make this entry a quick one.

today (friday) was a hectic day for me. one go see but many chores to be done. managed to get back to the off around 330 pm. i was already tired. we have a talk on tech stuff and everyone is attending in the evening. right then we went to subang for some venue cleaning activity and i was already running late for movie night out with adrian and ivan.

on the way back to PJ, our car got into an accident nearby sunway. it was horrid experience and until now i can still feel the impact of the car. but it is not the fault of my fren, but the fault of the other driver. both car was badly damage cos of the impact. both mildly accelerating when it collide.

it such an amazing service by mr tow car. 2 mins after the accident, they came and the whole place surrounded by people and it was kinda happening but scary. then we go to police station to make a police report and it took us 2 hrs to make one page police report (talk abt reducing red tape eh).. am lazy to elaborate more.

meet up with adrian and ivan for yum cha and nasi lemak ayam goreng. had a drama moment for a while on the accident, then laugh, then good news, then laugh, then drama.. then then.. home!

tired! sleeeeeeeep!

p/s: do STOP car when u see sign STOP. you can make a difference!

first day...

tired, so many things to be done, so many things to read, so many thing to digest, so many things to discuss..
 
10
 
9
 
8
 
7
 
6
 
5
 
4
 
3
 
2
 
1

*inhale* *exhale* *inhale* *exhale*

take one step at the time...

travel in style?

check out where flight attendant rest:

airbus

canada Air

boeing 747

klm airline

singapore airline

budget airline? hmmm...

what gay childhood icon are you?

You Are the Very Gay Bert and Ernie!

Two grown puppets living together, sleeping in the same room?They've even got coordinating striped shirts!

What Gay Childhood Icon Are You?

ohmygaystars!! do i have to say more? i even shared a same name as ernie! hahahaha

were you naughty or nice this year?

You Were Nice This Year!

You're an uber-perfect person who is on the top of Santa's list.You probably didn't even *think* any naughty thoughts this year.Unless you're a Mormon, you've probably been a little too good.Is that extra candy cane worth being a sweetheart for 365 days straight?

Were You Naughty or Nice This Year?

oh my! i know am getting something from santa this year!.. hehehehe

Dear Santa

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

am putting on my dancing shoes

as am writing this, my disco play list blasting on my stereo. and my insane partner in crime ivan, also blasting his disco music and right now, he's listening to bee gees. way the go dude! disco songs has been my favorite dance music. it always give me good vibe whenever i played them. it make me smile and make me wanna boogie every night. it make forget about the world for few minutes and follow the groove.

darn! now i feel like shaking ma booty in Studio 54!!

am listening to : what a feeling - young divas

nothing much, really...

and am putting on weight but i agreed with garfield. been busy with a few stuff lately and i got no time to blog except posting on new/crappy material that i found in the net. anyway, nothing much really. done one product launch earlier this week and also same time am trying to finishing some artwork. hopefully today i can breath a lil in the afternoon but my feet is itchy to walk around one utama and browsing some stuff for christmas gift.. we'll see how la.

am listening to : i'll be okay - ray j feat whitney houston

what kind of seducer are you?

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

hmmmm...

which tarot card are you?

You are The Hermit

Prudence, Caution, Deliberation.

The Hermit points to all things hidden, such as knowledge and inspiration,hidden enemies. The illumination is from within, and retirement from participation in current events.

The Hermit is a card of introspection, analysis and, well, virginity. You do not desire to socialize; the card indicates, instead, a desire for peace and solitude. You prefer to take the time to think, organize, ruminate, take stock. There may be feelings of frustration and discontent but these feelings eventually lead to enlightenment, illumination, clarity.

The Hermit represents a wise, inspirational person, friend, teacher, therapist. This a person who can shine a light on things that were previously mysterious and confusing.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

an eventful weekend : satay kajang and 43 hrs

yum-my [yuhm-ee] - adj very pleasing to the senses, esp. to the taste; delicious

it was an eventful weekend apart from me being sick. i started my day on saturday by waking up at 530 pm peeps! then show up at the meeting point at 615 am and help to load stuff into the car and it was a good journey to bangi.
upon reaching bangi, we were setting up each station that involved with the activities.

oh, before that, i forgot to mention that am handling an event in bangi.

now back to the stories. we were under the hot morning sun and it was furiously hot but it was fun under the sun seeing the people trying to figure out what are they suppose to do. morning turn afternoon, we moved the activities to indoor and it more comfortable. after debriefing, we went to kajang for satay and everyone expecting the yumminess of the kajang's satay.

reaching kajang and as we enter the restaurant some eyes was on our group. we loud, all in black tee and there are 20 of us. we ordered satay chicken and beef and i ordered air kelapa muda and it was really fresh to have that drink esp after under hot sun. anyway, the satay was nicely done and the irresistible peanut sauce with sambal cili gave it a total satisfactions. i think i have more than 20 sticks of satay. it was a good dinner as i also got to know some of the team members more. we were there for couple of hours then depart back to damansara perdana. managed to got home at 10 pm.

sleep-less [sleep-lis] - adj
without sleep: a sleepless night.

i have 1.30 hrs before i make my way to sunway for setup for sunday event. so i make use time to chill and slowly pack my stuff. reaching sunway at 1145 pm and due to some shitty policy, i only managed start the set up at 2 am and in between the setup, there some problem and manage to overcome it. everything was in place at 7 am and am too tired by then. my fever crept back in and my dry cough become worse. i chilled for a while before i took shower in the room (belongs to someone else). by 12 noon, everything was complete from staging, to light show to sound and to foyer area. i catch a breath. rehearsal and sound check in the afternoon. after all done, i chilled out before events start. by 7 pm, the show is on and i don't even remember any single of it as everything was moving too fast. by time i look at my schedule, it almost the end of the program. phheewww! i asked to be relieved early after the event ended as i was sick and i needed my rest especially after did not sleep for 43 hours straight. got home at 1230 am, had my shower and i feel my body screaming to be lay down and rest. i bow down to it and sleep and woke up 10 am the next day! woke up and feel like shit and zombiefied.

that how my weekend goes.. very eventful with satay kajang and 43 hours of sleepless.. yours?

am listening to : awake - josh groban

anger

anger [ang-er] - noun
a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.

am feeling really sick today. nothing much i can do right now with headache, fever, cough, nose almost block and chilly feeling i have now and then. and the only best friend with me right now is water, panadol, my pillow and lappy. i just take 2 panadol and feeling a little better but we'll see it how later on. i blame it on the weather. i need to be well by friday as i hv an event on saturday and i need to be on top notch to handle the event.

today was not a good day. earlier this morning, i sorta agreed to accompany a friend of mine to getting his electrical appliances. we supposed to meet up at hartamas and i suppose to message him to confirm it. i went back to rest on bed and time flies. he called me whether am coming am not to which i said, i don't think so and told him to have fun on shopping spree. he said 'aiyerr.. don't want to friend you anymore!'.. am sorry dude. i really can't make it. am feeling under the weather and i have no mood to go out. so to that person, this is PUBLIC APOLOGY.. I'M SORRY!

after that, someone snapped on me and it triggered my anger. although i did not blow out my anger directly, but it is frustrating to think about it and deal with it especially when you are sick. the uncomfy feeling make me wanna scream and cry and nobody is listening.

nobody cares on what i've been through and i admit that am a more a reserved person. i keep things to myself. i have a problem speak up especially when come to problems and asking a favour but am learning to open up now and then. when i can get things done, i get frustrated and give up. anger creeps in and i started thinking negatively to which am not happy about.

i wish i could have a life that is without obstacles but then, it wouldn't be a life anymore if it is without any obstacles. sigh!

am listening to : set the fire to the third bar - snow patrol feat martha wainwright

wet wet wet

it has been a very wet month for us here in malaysia. the rainy season is back and yes the weather does not help us with any activities either instead it makes us feel more lazier than ever.

as you can see the changes in my blog layout. i kinda like this lay back layout. everytime i logged into this blog, seeing the picture of that guy lying on grass peacefully, make me stop for a while and breath. it also constantly remind me to take a little time off from what i normally do. where is the old theme? the changes in new multiply has change my avlack's customised theme gone weird. i hope i can get it fix later.

been feeling sick past few days. sneezing non-stop, coughing but fever yet to kicks in but i know soon it will. been taking care of myself with drinking lotsa water and take aspirin (if needed). fyi, i only go and see doc when things is out of control. :P

am listening to: the rose - bianca ryan

lazy rainy sunday

ahh.. sunday is back and it has been a lazy one though. i woke up at about 10 am (i think) and then straight way do my laundry as i saw it was sunny out there and perfect day for laundry day. while waiting for my laundry done, well, checking email, blogs, music, torrents and as well managed to shower.

well do nothing much at home.. did a little work and was on msn with a few friends. then kaboom, it was raining and gosh, i feel so comfortable at home. wanted to lie down to sleep, but i resist the temptation and opt to watch Jericho instead while grab a quick bite. also i did edited my first dance compilation mix. i will upload it soon.

other than that.. nothing else.. am going to cook  dinner soon..

music playing now: i want you - diana ross

happy mossey yolde hey ho

oh, i can't help with the the yole-ding part. it played in my head on and on. :P

today was a happy day. i don't know why am feeling happy these few days. too many endorphins released cause by self confidence boost up i think. found the colgate picture ad on the net courtesy of funny ppl @ cs.unsc.edu. i smile to myself when i look at his picture cos the old lady is happy although she lost her crown of glory, her tooth but she just give away her perfect smile (ohmygaystars, am talking crap).

handling an event today at ioi marriott putrajaya and it went excellently well. the client happy about everything. a lot of funny things happen during the dinner. this is their first annual dinner and everyone having a good time. well, thanks to someone, i have to demonstrate on how chicken lay eggs, damn! but am not 'kekok' anymore as i've done it many many times.. hahaha.. u must be wondering how am i look like when i do the demo. it totally priceless! finishing 2 hrs earlier that expected and got home early too.

talking to leonard 'samantha' chan on msn and bugging him to look at my blog  to which he eventually did and he got the 'aha' moment to beautify his blog.. hehe cos i said that his blog is dark and not loud. now his blog is like *bimbo accent* so freaking cool and hot, with madonna on it, you know! ohmygaystars, its got huge madonna picture!.. hhahahaha.. congrats brotha for updating the dull blog to more colourful one.

now am listening to: 9 crimes - damien rice

what a day..

this is what a friend got to say about my blog the other day! hehehe..

it has been a good day for me since last thursday. remember my 'go-see'? yeah it went beyond my expectation and i got it! ohmygaystars, i can't believe it. since i got the news, i've been on the cloud 9! fly to the moon and back, the feeling is like after a good multiple orgasm! hahaha..

i just got back from handling one event. the event went pretty well. although behind schedule, but nonetheless it end at the time expected. everyone had a good time and so am i. was dancing at the console area and the songs selection during party time is totally my kind of music and it end with Abba 'Thank You For The Music'... hmmm.. a little weird but what the heck, everyone was singing their heart out.. :)

am crawling back to bed and its 3 am.. tick tock tick tock..

joystick oh joystick..

some old 18sx joke but still crack me! thks ivan..

in english
that server gives a plug and play service to the clients using either hardware or software joystick. The joystick goes into the
port of the client.

some useful translations table:
Hardware = barangkeras

Software = baranglembut
Joystick = batang gembira
Plug and play = cucuk dan main
Port = lubang
Server = pelayan
Client = pelanggan

now, based on the above translation, this is how when you translate it to malay:

Pelayan itu memberi pelanggannya layanan cucuk dan main dengan  
menggunakan batang gembira jenis keras atau lembut. Batang gembira

itu  dimasukkan ke dalam lubang pelanggan.

those who get it in malay will laugh on this jokes.

头疼

true enough, i did not have much sleep last night. i woke up in the mid of sleeping now and then and i feel restless that i decided to wake up at 8 something and lazying on bed for a while. got up, talk to ivan on msn then shower then get ready for the 'go-see'. it went quite good but i do not what are my chances are cos i do not know how strong are others but anyway, they will let me know soon about it. also i did a few meet up today with few key people on going projects and workloads, and that means am pretty occupied today considering i have a lot time in my hand.

today, i have mixed feeling and i don't know why. after i got out from my 'go-see', i feel relieved, happy, still nervous and unsure on how i was doing in there just now. the big shot did the talking most of the time and i answered all of them question rationally. in mid afternoon, felt blood rushing to my brain and headache hit me. i have to sit for a while and gather myself up. the headache continued til late evening. this could be cause by lack of sleep previous night or cause by the weather. could be.

during my 'go-see', one of the candidate came talk to me and asked me whether am i there for 'go-see'? i said yeah and then keep asked me a lot of question to which to my annoyance i decided to continued to read some magazine and ignored her. from our conversation, i know that this person is a freshie and eager to explore the world. i can see her enthusiasm spirit and it make me think for a while.. in this competitive world, everyone is on the race and willing to do anything to win what best for them?

and so peeps, let the race begin... and i still got headache!

fear

fear (feer) - noun
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc.,
whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of
being afraid; that which causes a feeling of being afraid.

i have fear constantly hunting me in my whole life. fear of losing something, fear of rejection, fear of fear of losing someone i love, fear on something that might happen in the future. it always there and i can't run away of it.

am going to 'go-see' later in the morning and i don't know what to expect as am going to see some big shot of the corporate body. and this cause make me having butterfly in my stomach and create a fear inside me. fear that i won't be as what i expected, fear of being rejected, fear that i offended them with i said, fear that i will fail in the 'go-see', fear that i fail impress them. what should i do? anyone know how to overcome fear? just take a deep breath and relax and breathe slowly to calm it down. does it work?

hopefully this fear will let me sleep tonight...

save me from myself...

have you ever feel that you been casted away from your life? at some point, you feel that you are living your live alone without anyone, sailing the boat alone, walking by the beach alone? for the pas few days, i have that exact feeling.

everytime i open up my eyes, i felt empty inside. i felt no one around me. it feels like i woke up and trap in a room where there is no window and am leaving helplessly in the dark. trying hard to reach out to anyone, someone, somebody. i feel breathless, nothing that i could hold on to and i fall on the ground, crying helplessly. where can i find peace to my heart?

the conversation that i needed seems far from sighted and the only communications i have is silence. my mouth sew with anger, frustration and depression. where can i lie down and forget the world?

hopping someone come and rescue me from this misery, but no one came. counting the days, hours, minutes, seconds as it passed by and it tortured me. my heart, my mind screaming and wanting to be heard. where can i find ear that will listen?

my eyes dried out. i couldn't cry anymore as there is no more tears in my eyes. i mourned too much on my lonely time in the dark. my body screaming every time i cry. no one comforting me. where can i find shoulder to cry on?

my hand tremble every time i look into the past. my feet barely stand every time i think about the future. lost in my directions in the dark. no hands to guide me. where can i find hands to guide me?

still, i sat in the dark and it feel cold. emptiness creeps in now and then. screaming inside out with no more tears flowing. am lost. where can i find ME so that i can save me from myself?

5.50 am, saturday

it is 550 am on saturday morning. I woke up from bed to took out my contacts lense as i slept with it earlier on and awake. Doozed off around close to midnight which rather unusual for me as am late sleeper and also consider myself an owl. But the feeling myself lying on bed is irresistible and my eyes close immediately, ignoring all the noise around me. Anyway, will try to crawl back to bed in a while. Mean time, staring at my bitlord as it downloading torrents file. Damn! am lifeless and pathethic...

oh, i can cross post to my old blog! how cool is that.. :)